Being a “senior” with all of these deficiencies only served to make me feel like a fraud. I hid it. I seriously considered going into product management instead. Without really being consciously aware of it, I kind of just accepted that I didn’t know all this stuff, that I was too dumb to get it, and I didn’t see an obvious way to learn it. Tutorials and online classes focus typically on the syntax of a specific language or framework. But I felt I lacked the language around something much larger and more fundamental that I couldn’t totally put my finger on.
And ever since then, I have felt myself to be in a perpetual state of fear and shame that I don’t know basic things about a language that I’ve been working with my entire career, and this has completely blocked me from learning. While I perhaps looked up this or that concept on MDN from time to time, the knowledge never stuck with me, and I think it was because I was in a state of shame. These concepts are abstract and hard to really fully wrap one’s mind around, so this frame of mind was just not conducive to learning, which only served to perpetuate my belief that maybe I was just too dumb to get it.
I am an experienced developer with a lot of knowledge, who simply lacks the language to speak about a lot of things and has a lot of small gaps of deep understanding from having cobbled together an education from various languages and just trying to get things to work. So I’ve needed some kind of in between.
Interesting, isn’t it? Perhaps I understand more then I know, and I’m just afraid to look like I don’t.